Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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