First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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