Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
