I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
