she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
