i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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