TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She bit a glass in half.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
