Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
