I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
