If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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