If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
