A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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