Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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