That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
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She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
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I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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