Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
