Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i think i have two assholes
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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