New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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