Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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