she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
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Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
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Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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