Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
