guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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