i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just high enough for therapy.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
