I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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