I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
where are you?
Hypothermia
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
