Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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