I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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