yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i think my cat just said my name.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
