It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
