my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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