yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
