wakey wakey hands off snakey
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
