I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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