so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
