I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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