Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
