She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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