turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
