Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
