woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
