I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
