I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
