What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
