Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
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Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
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He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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