my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
