you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
