Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
