I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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