Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
