I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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