so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
