I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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