I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Randomize
